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Eddy Says
Eddy Says: What are your pet hates?
By Eddy Temple-Morris | Published on Monday 15 June 2009
This is a question interviewers love to ask. I’m sure it’s not just me they ask this of, although the question is especially illuminating when pointed at eternally optimistic souls like myself.
When someone asked me this in an interview last week I did the best I could to answer, but of course, in hindsight, I missed loads out. And it took me a while. So I thought, even if it’s just as an act of selfishness, that if I write down the definitive list here, then I could just save it, recycle it and add to it every now and again.
We are defined by what we love, and therefore by what we hate, so it’s quite an interesting exercise, I think, given we are all, thankfully and wonderfully, so different.
Please not, it’s ‘Pet Hates’: we’re not talking proper ‘Hates’, just ‘pet’ ones. So racism, homophobia, lying, you know, the real major hates, are not ere… these are the little nigglers that we love to hate.
In no particular order:
1. Bad motorway drivers. The middle lane is for over-taking, you twats. (Not you, them, I’m sure you’re a great driver). And while we’re on driving hate…
2. Morons who drive with their foglight on, when there’s no fog. Did you know that a foglight is twice as blinding as headlights on full beam and you don’t like THEM in your face do you?
3. Popular Malapropisms – just because nearly everybody says it, doesn’t make it right! When people say ‘hung’ when they mean ‘hanged’. Say what you mean! Meat is hung. People are hanged. And the worst one: ‘To all intensive purposes’…I even catch supposedly educated people on TV saying this. It’s ‘to all intents and purposes’. Just think about about it: what the fuck is an ‘intensive purpose?!’ It doesn’t mean *anything*!
4. Champagne served at room temperature. Just don’t do it. Unless you’ve won a grand prix. It’s wrong. And very, very pikey
5. Gooseberries. The furry fruit of Satan. Wrong in every way and unrescueable, even by a mountain of sugar.
6. Cream and milk, on its own. Great is sauces, or made into ice-cream, or chocolate, but on its own, it’s the spunk of the dark lord himself.
7. When girls DREAM that you’ve snogged someone else, then hold it against you. It’s insane. Stop it now please, it isn’t funny anymore.
8. The phrase ‘yes indeedy’. It makes me shudder.
9. ‘Courtesy calls’. On what planet is cold calling someone to sell them something a chuffing ‘courtesy’?
10. In films, when people get shot and act like nothing has happened, or it’s just a mosquito bite or something. It really fucking hurts. Ask Tim Westwood.
11. Big Brother. The last time I watched it, that pig ignorant racist scum queen Jade Goody was on it. It’s shit. Just walk away Channel 4, nobody cares anymore.
12. Jade Goody. Look, I know she died of cervical cancer and left her kids motherless and everything, but why did her going bald suddenly turn her into Princess fucking Diana. I refer you to 11).
13. Princess Diana. Don’t get me started here.
14. Chugging. Look, I’m striding purposefully because I’m late for a meeting and I don’t have time to be ‘made aware’ of Oxfam’s latest thrust in Angola. I am totally fucking skint, I already have a mountain of direct debits going to charities from the early days of Charity Mugging when I was weaker and worse at saying ‘no’, and technically I am so far in debt and in negative equity with my stupid flat in Archway that I’m actually poorer than these poor people you’re trying to mug me for.
15. Esso and Nestle: don’t get me started here either. Just don’t go there. In every sense.
16. Mummified Envelopes. ‘I know, I’ll send my demo to one of the busiest people in radio…but I don’t trust the stickiness of the envelope sealing flap, and a simple strip of sellotape won’t do either…no, it won’t…. so I’ll just wrap about 5 miles of parcel tape around it’, with not so much as a pinhole showing, just so it takes him ABOUT 20 CUNTING MINUTES TO OPEN.
17. Satnav: why are you telling me to do a left and then make a U-Turn. What you mean is, TURN RIGHT! Aaaaargh!
18. McDonalds. I rock with the king, never the clown. And how dare they call it a ‘restaurant’? At least the new British-Racing-Green livery makes it look invisible.
19. The Xfm Listen Again thing. It’s been so shit for YEARS. You can’t even fast forward on it. But at last, a nice man called Martin is going to upload it in hour long chunks, which is a nice start. Going forward I hear the BBC are going to rent out their back end to people like us, so we’ll get the same efficiency as the iPlayer – which is how it SHOULD be.
20. My Cellphone abroad. 50p to send a text, from Barcelona!? Are you having a fucking laugh T-Mobile? SMS costs next to nothing. Sending a flipping picture is cheaper, how did you work that one out? Who’s your pricing strategist? Dick Turpin? Ronnie Biggs? The sodding Brinks Mat Bullion Boys? Fuck me sideways, just take a leaf out of Vodaphone’s book. NO CHARGING FOR ROAMING. Until you do that you are a shower of hot tramps wee and I hate you.
There. Rant over. I feel so much better now. Many of you will now be thinking “shit, I thought Eddy was a nice guy but now the gloves are off he’s so bitter and twisted and negative” – well, like I said, it’s an interesting exercise and looking back on the list I think I was well within my rights to all those little pops. Don’t worry, I’m still nice guy Eddy… just don’t drive in front of me with your fekkin fog light on unless you can’t see your hand in front of your face!
