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The BRIT Awards happened, numerous sources claim
By Chris Cooke | Published on Thursday 23 February 2017
I think it’s fair to say that the BRITs divides opinion in the wider music community. This is something you particularly notice if you happen to be running a CMU:DIY session in Wales as the big event kicks off, and you therefore experience the entire proceedings via your social feeds.
Now, as you know, here at CMU we love and cherish every one of our readers across the entire music community, and constantly go above and beyond to ensure that we placate and pander to their every wish and viewpoint. And to that end, we’ve developed a system to navigate this division of opinion: basically, you need to print this report out and delete as applicable. Yeah, you do some work for once you lazy fuckers.
So, it was the magnificent / run-of-the-mill / God awful BRIT Awards last night over there in that marvelous place of wonder / glorified shopping mall / windy shit hole that we call The O2, right at the heart of London’s fashionable / non-descript / soul-destroying Greenwich Peninsula. And what a night it was / wasn’t / could have been but for the shit storm of mediocrity!
TV’s Dermot O’Leary and Emma Willis did a fantastic / bog-standard / terrible job of standing in as hosts at the last minute, helping the music business stars / champion blaggers / tedious industry types amassed under that big Greenwich tent – not to mention the millions of passionate music fans / misguided consumers / ITV viewers tuning in at home – to navigate a night of fine festivities / routine happenings / embarrassing mishaps.
In terms of the awards, it was David Bowie who was the double winner, in a very fitting / somewhat predicable / entirely unnecessary tribute to the late great music maker. Though technically Rag N Bone Man matched Bowie, taking home both the Critics Choice Award as the one to watch and the prize for best breakthrough act, a double win that fully affirmed his potential / made you wonder why critics were tipping an act who’s already broken through / made a mockery of the whole thing.
Elsewhere, Beyonce, Drake and A Tribe Called Quest took the three prizes for non-UK talent in a refreshingly concise / weirdly brief / offensively short segment of the show, in which all three absent winners were announced in close succession. And then there were the important / customary / pointless prizes for One Direction and Adele, in the public-voted best video category and Global Success Award respectively.
“But where were all the grime winners?” you might ask, given all the hoo and the haa about how this year’s BRITs were going to be more diverse. Well, none of the nominees from that all-important / moderately successful / super over-rated genre took home a gong, which is understandable / unavoidable / an outrage.
However, Stormzy excitingly / interestingly / annoyingly popped up during Ed Sheeran’s performance, while Skepta took to the stage and stole the show / stole the show / stole the show. Though he was helped in that regard by show-closer and BRITs Icon Robbie Williams, who generously decided to turn in a decidedly lacklustre / lacklustre / lacklustre finale set.
So there you have it – a BRITs report designed with precision for you and your echo chamber. And yes, I do realise I missed out Little Mix taking so bloody long to get on stage to accept their award / Katy Perry’s skeletal dig at the Trump-May love in / Andrew Ridgeley’s touching George Michael tribute. But rules dictate that you can only criticise me about one of those omissions
And now, here are some winners. Feel free to delete as applicable.
British Female Solo Artist: Emeli Sandé
British Male Solo Artist: David Bowie
British Group: The 1975
British Breakthrough Act: Rag N Bone Man
British Single: Little Mix – Shout Out To My Ex
British Video: One Direction – History
British Album: David Bowie – Blackstar
International Male Solo Artist: Drake
International Female Solo Artist: Beyonce
International Group: A Tribe Called Quest
BRITs Global Success Award: Adele
Critics’ Choice: Rag N Bone Man
