Artist News Legal Media

Justin Bieber settles outstanding pap attack case

By Chris Cooke | Published on Thursday 17 March 2016

Justin Bieber has settled that lawsuit filed by a photographer in 2013 over an alleged incident at a Californian shopping mall the previous year, in which the popstar was accused of kicking and punching the pap man.

Jose Duran said that Bieber, who was still hanging around with Selena Gomez at the time, “delivered a martial arts-type kick” after he tried to photograph the couple. The incident left the photographer, according to his lawsuit, suffering from “severe emotional distress”.

Duran’s legal rep confirmed the matter had now been resolved yesterday, but gave no further comment. Presumably the photographer had to settle, because Bieber is now such an all round amazing guy, no one could ever even begin to imagine the messiah of pop being involved in anything as tawdry as a paparazzo scuffle.

Such is the glorious majesty of the modern Bieber, of course, not one person can still remember the bad times. Not the monkey trafficking. Nor the egg throwing. Nor the pissing in a bucket. There’s a couple of satanic priests who still talk about the possibility of naked holiday snaps, but the very fact they’ve not suppressed all memories of those photos deep into their subconscious tells you all you need to know about those heretics.

Indeed, I think you’ll find leading theologians now doubt that any such Jose Duran ever even existed. Or if he did, Bieber was almost certainly karate kicking evil demons out of Duran’s body that sunny day, and in doing so saved some children somewhere.

Jesus Bieber himself was unavailable for comment.