And Finally Artist News Beef Of The Week Gigs & Festivals

CMU Beef Of The Week #332: Adele v A Fucking Bat, Jesus Christ!

By | Published on Friday 18 November 2016

Adele

There are a number of things you can reasonably expect to see when you go to an Adele show. Adele is one of them. A bat is not. Not even Adele expects a bat at an Adele show. But one still turned up to her show at the Palacio de los Deportes in Mexico City this week, acting like it was all totally normal.

“There’s a bat!” shouted Adele, highlighting what an unexpected occurrence this really was. Particularly in an indoor venue. She flapped her arms, making the universal sign for bat, just in case people didn’t understand what she was talking about.

Then realising that people may have actually thought she was miming a seagull, she shouted again: “There’s a bat, it landed right by your head!”

She then pointed into the audience, presumably sending several hundred people into a panic that they were being attacked by a bat. Or possibly a seagull.

“Oh my god, there’s a fucking bat”, she continued. “Oh my god, welcome to Mexico, it’s true, I’m happy to be here, but a fucking bat, Jesus Christ!”

We should add, there is no evidence to suggest that the second coming of Jesus Christ had actually happened, with the Messiah appearing in bat form. He’d probably come back as a seagull anyway. But what was clear is that there was a fucking bat. And it was not welcome.

Possibly spooked by all the shouting, the bat flew off and some level of normality was restored. But, shit, what if that actually was the second coming and Jesus was testing our love for all of God’s creatures by appearing in bat form. If I was the Messiah, I’d probably come back at an Adele show. Seems like as good a place as any. And now Adele’s fucked it right up. None of us are getting into Heaven now. Thanks a bunch, Adele.

Of course, I’m being silly. Jesus already came back as Justin Bieber, but no one would shut up long enough for him to tell us.

So forget all that second coming nonsense. Though I think it is reasonable to assume that the bat was there for a reason. Adele is a popular singer. I’d imagine the bat world takes a keen interest in the latest goings on in the world of pop. Seems like something they’d do. And this bat got wind of Adele playing a show in its hometown of Mexico City, so decided to check it out.

The bat had probably heard that Adele is not just a good singer, but also a warm performer, who makes each member of her audience feel like they are the only person in the room during her between-song chats. There’s a place for anyone at an Adele show, regardless of your gender, sexual preferences, race, or species. Well, not the last one, it turns out, because Adele apparently hates bats.

Worst of all, the bats now know that Adele hates them. One of them turned up to bask in her welcoming personality and she just turned it away. Maybe that was our last chance with the bats. Adele’s reaction confirmed their suspicion that we’re all out to get them. It wouldn’t surprise me if the bats are now planning to attack and kill all of us. And it will all be Adele’s fault.

Fuck’s sake Adele, all you had to do was let a bat listen to a few of your songs. Now we’re all doomed to be eaten by bats. Well fucking done.



READ MORE ABOUT: