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CMU Beef Of The Week #229: Mike Read v Mike Read

By | Published on Friday 24 October 2014

Mike Read

So, one time Radio 1 deejay Mike Read knows a thing or two about getting angry about pop songs. His boycott of Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s ‘Relax’ in 1984 – occurring while he was still spinning records at the nation’s favourite – propelled the track straight to number one in the charts. And maybe, for a few minutes earlier this week, the radio man thought the ‘self-defeating-boycott phenomenon’ might this time play in his favour.

Because you see, Mike Read isn’t just a champion player of other people’s pop records. Oh no, he’s a many layered man is Mike Read. For starters, he’s an accomplished songwriter. Few can forget his Oscar Wilde themed stage musical ‘Oscar’. Because it shut down after just one performance meaning hardly anyone ever heard it in the first place.

But that’s not the only additional layer to Readie. Oh no, he’s also rather political. In fact, he used to be a regular at the Conservative Party Conference. Few can forget his ten minute political rap at the big Tory bash back in 2006. Because everyone in attendance was euthanised shortly afterwards for the safety of both them and their family members.

These days, however, Mike Read has shunned even the rap-loving Tories, and is now a big fan of the UKIPs. Not because he’s racist, mind. No, he’s just very angry about THEM. You know, THEM. Bloody THEM. Coming over here, meddling with our stuff. If only we could stop THEM. Get rid of THEM. Show THEM who’s boss. THEM’s the problem, see. Get rid of THEM and it’ll be cream cakes for tea. For everyone. Forever.

But enough of reciting UKIP’s 2015 General Election manifesto and back to the Readster, who recently penned a song just for his new political friends, who are still on a high, of course, after their recent by-election win in Clacton. And as we all know, whereas the Tories love nothing more than a good old rap, the UKIPs prefer a calypso of an evening, and Read, it has to be said, knows his audience.

And so earlier this week UKIP announced via Facebook that their “celebrity member” had a record out and that all its supporters should buy a copy right away from iTunes or Amazon, to send the tune right to the top of the hit parade. Some people duly downloaded the track, though others got a little bit bothered about Read’s anti-immigrant lyrics and even more so the cod Caribbean accent the deejay adopted when performing his tune.

Some – including Read’s former employer – picked holes in some of the ‘fact’-based lyrics, while the charity which UKIP had declared would benefit from sales of the record announced it wouldn’t be able to accept the cash. Said the Red Cross: “As a neutral organisation, we cannot benefit from something which overtly supports one political party. In addition, the Red Cross has a proud history of helping refugees and asylum seekers who are negatively referred to in the lyrics”.

Clearly it was all political correctness gone mad. A conspiracy, no doubt, engineered by THEM again. Bloody THEM. I mean, clearly Mike Read’s ‘UKIP Calypso’ was no different than, erm, The Beatles. And Elvis. And The Rolling Stones. No different at all. As UKIP’s Commonwealth Spokesman Winston McKenzie said: “From ever since the beginning of time, The Beatles, Elvis, The Rolling Stones – they’ve taken up the black man’s music”.

I’m pretty sure neither The Beatles nor Elvis nor The Rolling Stones have been doing that from the “beginning of time”, but let’s not nitpick, clearly Read’s ditty was just “an old-fashioned political satire”. Or at least that’s what the deejay reckoned when he came out in defence of his record at the start of the week. And that accent? “You can’t sing a calypso with a Surrey accent” he cleverly pointed out. “I love all the cultures and creeds around the world”.

Go Readie. Stand your ground, why don’t you? Against all those right-on lefties trying to stop the working man from buying this record. People like, erm, Mike Read. “I’ve asked the record company to withdraw the single immediately” he subsequently announced on Wednesday. “I’m so sorry that the song unintentionally caused offence. That was never my intention and I apologise unreservedly if anyone has taken offence”.

Aha, clearly it was all political correctness gone right. And so it looks unlikely the UKIPs will top the hit parade after all thanks to the meddling of one Mike Read. Just another THEM.



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