Artist News

Bono has a medical reason for not taking off his sunglasses, and therefore you are a bad person

By | Published on Monday 20 October 2014

Bono

For years and years now you’ve been going around saying in a loud voice in pubs, “Oh, that Bono. What a cunt he is, always telling us what to do. And he never takes his sunglasses off. What’s that about? Cunty, cunt, cunt”.

Personally, I’ve always found your language rather distasteful, regardless of your opinion, but you’ve been talking like this for so long now I can’t even remember what life was like before you started. But, anyway, the only reason I bring this up is that something has now happened that’s going to make you all feel really, really bad about all this.

After Bono apologised with such humility last week over him and his band forcing us all to download their new album, he’s now revealed that he never takes his sunglasses off because he’s got bad eyes. And he’s had bad eyes for ages. So that makes you a bad person for always mentioning the sunglasses, for sure. And for calling him a cunt.

Asked why he never takes his fucking sunglasses off by Graham Norton on his BBC One show last week, Bono said: “This is a good place to explain to people that I’ve had glaucoma for the last 20 years. I have good treatments and I am going to be fine. You’re not going to get this out of your head now and you will be saying ‘Ah, poor old blind Bono'”.

I’m not sure why he didn’t mention this before, given how often people have mentioned the sunglasses indoors thing in the past. Surely Graham Norton wasn’t the first person to ask about it in an actual interview? Maybe none of the interviewers who asked about it before heard the answer properly, because they were just repeating “cunty, cunt, cunt” over and over again in their heads. Though as I said, I don’t approve of such language.

Actually, when asked about it in the past Bono just said he wore sun-specs in the house because he’s sensitive to light. And he once told Rolling Stone it was “part vanity, part privacy and part sensitivity”, which probably left people feeling justified in insulting him. If people ever felt they needed justification, which I’m not sure they did.

Anyway, getting back onto that album release strategy, Bonzo the said that he wasn’t actually sorry about it at all: “We wanted to do something fresh but it seems some people don’t believe in Father Christmas. All those people who were uninterested in U2 are now mad at U2. As far as we are concerned, it’s an improvement”.

Oh, fuck off Bono.



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