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Beef Of The Week #433: Beyonce’s clothes v Ed Sheeran’s clothes

By | Published on Friday 7 December 2018

Beyonce & Ed Sheeran

INT. CORRIDOR BACKSTAGE AT CONCERT VENUE – LATE AFTERNOON

[Ed Sheeran and Beyonce are chatting. Beyonce stands, wearing a tailored suit. Sheeran slouches against the wall, wearing blue jeans and a black short sleeve t-shirt over a white long sleeve t-shirt.]

ED
Oh right, I thought you were just complimenting her hair.

BEYONCE
Did you even listen to that album?

ED
I suppose having good hair differentiated her from all the other Beckys.

BEYONCE
[frowning]
What other Beckys?

ED
[flustered]
What? Oh, I think they’re calling us.

BEYONCE
I didn’t hear anything.

ED
Um, maybe we should get into our outfits anyway.

BEYONCE
Good idea. I need to make sure everything’s… perfect.

ED
Ha ha. I can’t wait to see what you’ve put together.

FADE OUT

SFX: DISTANT CROWD NOISE

FADE IN

[Two hours later, we return to the same corridor backstage at the same concert venue. Ed stands alone, slouched against the same wall as before, staring at his phone and whistling a Marvin Gaye song. He wears blue jeans and a black short-sleeve t-shirt over a white long sleeve t-shirt.]

BEYONCE
[off screen]
Ed! I thought you were going to get ready!

ED
[confused]
I did!

BEYONCE
You look exactly the same as when I left you. Have you even moved?

[Beyonce enters the frame, wearing an elaborate, ruffled pink gown with hair crimped to match.]

ED
[staring at Beyonce]
Is that what you’re wearing?

BEYONCE
Yeah, Ed, this is what I’m wearing. I thought I’d make an effort, you know?

ED
I know what you mean. You have to look good for stuff like this.

BEYONCE
[irritated]
I’m still not convinced you’ve left this spot.

ED
[perplexed]
What do you mean? This is a whole new outfit. I even changed my underwear. To be honest, I had to.

BEYONCE
[raising a hand]
I don’t want to know. But you’re not going to go on stage like that, are you?

ED
What do you mean? I always go on stage like this.

BEYONCE
Yeah, but usually you’re on your own. And that thing where you look like one of your own fans who’s just walked onto the stage by mistake is almost cute. But look at me, Ed. Look how tall I’ve made my shoulders.

ED
Yeah, they kind of look like wings.

BEYONCE
You’re fucking right they look like wings, Ed. Big fucking pink wings. You haven’t even done your hair… or fucking shaved even!

ED
[shrugging]
This is my ‘look’! This is how people will expect me to be dressed. They might not know it’s me if I change into something else.

BEYONCE
Edward Christopher Sheeran, did you dress like that when you got your MBE from the Queen?

ED
Prince Charles gave me my MBE.

BEYONCE
It doesn’t matter Ed. What did you wear?

ED
[sheepishly]
A suit.

BEYONCE
That’s right. A fucking suit. And did Prince Charles not know who you were because you weren’t wearing a short-sleeved t-shirt over a long-sleeved t-shirt?

ED
I think he had my name written on his hand.

BEYONCE
[interrupting]
Shut up, Ed. Just go and get changed.

ED
I don’t have anything else except the stuff I was wearing before. And I spilled some baked beans on that other t-shirt. And I really can’t put those pants back on.

[Beyonce rolls her eyes]

ED
[cont’d]
Look, it doesn’t matter. Everyone will just see me exactly as they expect. They’ll be looking at you anyway. I mean, you’re Beyonce. And your shoulders really are massive. I don’t think anyone will even comment on my clothes.

CUT TO:

INT. ON STAGE AT FNB STADIUM, JOHANNESBURG – NIGHT

[Beyonce and Ed stand close together on stage performing their song ‘Perfect Duet’. It’s the first time they have ever sung it together live. Beyonce and Ed are both dressed exactly as they were in the corridor. Ed is playing a weirdly small guitar.]

BEYONCE
[internal monologue]
Maybe if I get one of my giant shoulders across him it’ll look like we’re wearing matching outfits.

ED
[internal monologue]
I’M SINGING WITH BEYONCE!

Overlay news headlines:
“Ed Sheeran got criticised for underdressing for Beyonce duet at festival”
“Ed Sheeran’s VERY casual appearance on stage next to a glamorous Beyonce during Mandela concert sparks furious row on Twitter”
“People are angry Ed Sheeran wore a t-shirt while Beyonce wore couture during their Global Citizen performance”
“Beyonce Ed Sheeran and our expectations of men and women”
“These pictures of Beyonce and Ed Sheeran have sparked a massive debate about double standards”

CUT TO:

INT. CORRIDOR BACKSTAGE AT FNB STADIUM, JOHANNESBURG – NIGHT

[We return again to the same corridor in which we started. Ed looks dishevelled. Still.]

ED
See, I don’t think anyone even noticed. Anyway, they’ll all be talking about the great job we’ve done for charity. No one would possibly overlook all that charity work just to tweet about what clothes we were wearing. And if someone does, I’ll joke about it on Instagram. Then everyone will remember to focus on the charity thing again.

BEYONCE
I hope you’re right, Ed. For all our sakes, I hope you’re right.

FADE OUT. END.



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