And Finally Artist News

Beef Of The Week #366: Simon Cowell v One Direction solo careers

By | Published on Friday 4 August 2017

One Direction

Now, you might be a former One Direction member currently pursuing a solo career, and you know what it’s like being a former One Direction member currently pursuing a solo career, don’t you? It’s fun, right?

Fun, fun, fun. So fun. So very very fun. Majorly fun. Amazingly fun. Magnificently fun. Tremendously fun. Stupendously fun. Astoundingly fun. Immensely fun. Terrifically fun. Fantastically fun. Incredibly fun. Marvelously fun. Awesomely fun. Massively fun. Wonderfully fun. Basically, it’s fun. Fucking full of fucking good fun.

But do you know what’s also fun? Being a current member of One Direction, that’s what. By which, I mean, being a current member of One Direction not currently pursuing a solo career. That’s fun, right?

Fun, fun, fun. So fun. So very very fun. Majorly fun. Amazingly fun. Magnificently fun. Tremendously fun. Stupendously fun. Astoundingly fun. Immensely fun. Terrifically fun. Fantastically fun. Incredibly fun. Marvelously fun. Awesomely fun. Massively fun. Wonderfully fun. Basically, it’s fun. Fucking full of mother-fucking good fun.

Now, those of you paying attention will spot that while being a former One Direction member currently pursuing a solo career is almost as much fun as being a current member of One Direction not currently pursuing a solo career, being a former One Direction member currently pursuing a solo career is “fucking” good fun while being a current member of One Direction not currently pursuing a solo career is “mother-fucking” good fun. And – while that might seem like mere semantics – we all know that mother-fucking good fun is better than fucking good fun. Check your swears scale people, that’s just obvious.

The conclusion? Those former One Direction members currently pursuing a solo career should come to their senses and become current members of One Direction not currently pursuing a solo career. Because, as I said, IT’S MORE FUN.

It’s like what Simon Cowell¬†said to The Sun¬†this week: “You know, it’s fun being out there on your own but what I hope is going to happen is that they remember now how much fun it was being in a group”. The “they” he was referring to there, by the way, in case you wondered, were the former members of One Direction currently pursuing a solo career.

“I always believe that you don’t make rules, you break the rules”, Cowell continued, referring to that famous rule that says broken up boy bands can’t reform. “So there’s nothing to stop them, if they want to, getting together for a tour, for an album”. And would 1D creator Cowell and his Syco pop machine be up for joining in? “I made it absolutely clear” he added, “obviously, ‘we’re in'”.

But what if that Harry Styles decided he wanted to go full time with his new career of playing bit parts in war movies? No worries, the other One Direction boys could reunite without him. Especially if that Zayn Malik could be persuaded to jump on board. Though, Cowell concedes, 1D-minus-Styles “wouldn’t be the same”.

No, of course not. But would it be as much fun? That’s the real question. Would a One Direction reunion without Harry Styles still be fun? Fun, fun, fun? So fun? So very very fun? Majorly fun? Amazingly fun? Magnificently fun? Tremendously fun? Stupendously fun? Astoundingly fun? Immensely fun? Terrifically fun? Fantastically fun? Incredibly fun? Marvelously fun? Awesomely fun? Massively fun? Wonderfully fun? Basically, fun?

Cowell wouldn’t comment on this all-important question. Typical! But worry not, we’ve just engaged the greatest mathematical minds in the world and they’re now embarked on a seven year study involving fourteen of the top universities. The title of their research? ‘Would One Direction without Harry Styles be more fun that fucking good fun even if it can’t be as fun as mother-fucking good fun?’ We’ll let you know the answer post peer review.



READ MORE ABOUT: |

GET CMU NEWS BY EMAIL DAILY FIND OUT ABOUT UPCOMING CMU EVENTS